How To Break Up With Anger for Good
I will show you logically how you can choose not to be angry ever again.
After this reading and some work on your side, you will automatically see the root source of anger and be able to prevent it (not repress it)
- You’ll develop a better self.
- You’ll get better results in every area of life.
- Your close ones will appreciate you and enjoy your company more.
- You’ll create a better environment for yourself overall.
Sounds too good to be true?
Don’t lose your hope yet. You and your close ones deserve it.
Let’s dive in.
What Is Anger?
Anger is an emotion created when you feel Frustrated, helpless, humiliated, and disgraced.
- It attempts to exchange those emotions by taming (controlling) the other side.
- It may lead us to rage and force us to do things that result in guilt, so we feel worse due to shame and regret.
Anger’s one purpose is to bring back the sense of control in ourselves.
Our Perspective
Our perspective is our interpretation of reality.
It’s a lie that we perceive as the truth.
Each of us interprets events in our lives differently, by our worldview created by our former experiences and our interpretations of them.
The collection of our choices and experiences led us to think the way we think and assume, and as time passes, the more complex we get because the stories we tell ourselves (the lies) become more prolonged and profound.
(If you tried to acquire a new friend recently, you probably felt that it’s not as easy as you were a kid.)
The more we experience, the more we add to our network of thoughts, and the less chance to find a network that’s compatible with yours.
Why Do We Perceive Things As We Perceive Them?
It’s a critical question for gaining self-awareness.
If every perspective is subjective (a lie that we perceive as the truth), it means we choose our “lies” based on our interpretations (assumptions).
Our interpretations — the root of it all
Let’s take a scenario.
You are driving your machine 🚗 and suddenly someone passes you illegally and very fast.
- You can assume the driver is a rude mother****** who only cares about himself while risking others.
- You can assume that the driver just got an emergency call. Or that it’s a new driver that is still learning and was out of focus for a moment.
No matter what. You can choose how to feel by removing harmful interpretations for helpful interpretations.
Option 1 will lead you to feel negative emotions (insulted, out of control, helplessness), which leads you to be angry, curse, punch the steering wheel and have the rest of the day stressful.
Options 2 will lead you to feel positive emotions (empathy, compassion, mercy), continue to listen to your favorite music or podcast, and have a great day.
You don’t know the driver, and you can do nothing about changing this event or preventing it from happening next time.
If you can’t change (control) the driver, why not choose to experience it with emotions that will benefit you? Why let it affect you negatively by (victimizing) assuming that the driver meant to hurt you?
It’s a chain of emotions assembled from one experience to another and creates our personality.
The Practicality of It
The E.I.E.R behavioral model
This model shows us how our interpretation of a specific event will affect our reaction. (Initially developed by Alfred Adler)
It describes a process of four stages:
Event → Interpretation → Emotion → Response
Understanding this will help you change the interpretations (the root) for the desired response (outcome).
- Your reactions are who you are and how others perceive you. Controlling its root is modeling yourself into who you want to be.
Short exercise:
This exercise will show you how powerful your interpretations can be to your quality of life.
- Take two papers and divide them into four equal squares and write those headlines on them:
a) What happened?
b) What did I think about it?
c) How did I feel?
d) How did I react?
Like this:
a) Remember an event that occurred in your life and led you to anger and write it down as objectively as you can in both copies.
Now continue with only one copy —
b) What did you think about it? Recall the interpretation you gave it. (why do you think it happened to you / why do you think they did it to you?)
c) How did you feel? Close your eyes, go back to the event, and write the emotions that showed up.
d) How did you react? What action did you take at the moment? (It can also be passive-aggressive).
- Give the empty copy (only filled with the event) to someone you feel open with (ideal), or you can do it by yourself (less ideal), think about a better interpretation for the same event, and fill up the rest accordingly.
- Compare the two copies.
Doesn’t the second copy look much better? Like what you wished happened in the actual event?
How Can You Implement It in Your Daily Life?
As a former professional martial artist, I know the power of repetition. As a former dog (in my previous lifetime, I’m sure 🐶), I see the power of conditioning.
Together they are a superior force for our development.
Three steps of implementation:
Step One — Understanding: If you got this far (without skipping), you already did the first and most crucial step: understanding what is happening with you and how it works.
Step Two — Repetition: Remind yourself of the idea each morning before starting the day (write only the concept (E.I.E.R — Event, Interpretation, Emotion, Response) until it’s showing up in every situation.
You are training your mind to be aware of this concept.
- In the beginning, it’ll probably come after the response, but it’s showing up. That’s progress! It can help you get out of the loop of negative emotions and fix whatever your response caused (maybe say sorry to someone you hurt)
Step Three — Conditioning: It’s the idea of making small gestures whenever an event occurs to remind ourselves to act as we want until it becomes part of our nature and we don’t need that gesture anymore.
- Choose something you are comfortable with, and the moment you feel negative emotion arising, make your chosen gesture. You can also ask yourself, “why do I feel that way?”
- The gesture will remind you of this model, and hopefully, you will choose a better path in that scenario (like the one you will select in retrospect when you are objective and calm).
Sidenote: I used to close my eyes and inhale slowly one time while picturing the word ‘interpretation’ in my mind. Now, you won’t see me getting angry, and trust me, as a cook, it’s not an easy challenge. I surprise myself every day.
- You will need to use a lot of empathy because sometimes we love to be the victims, but I promise you, you can ALWAYS find a better interpretation.
Do it until it becomes part of who you are.
Lets Recap:
- Anger is an attempt to exchange negative emotions by taming (controlling) the other side.
- Our opinions are interpretations of our experiences, not necessarily the truth. Every thought is an interpretation. If our interpretations are not the truth anyway, why not choose the beautiful lie?
- If you cannot control the event, you can control how you perceive it, By your interpretation of it.
- E.I.E.R: Event → Interpretation → Emotion → Respons. Understand it, repeat it, and condition yourself to find the root of your actions and manage it instinctively.
- Happiness is a choice — Accept the idea that you are allowed to be a happy and accepting person. You deserve it.
Yours, Sol 🙏
p.s
Where does anger meet you in your daily life and how do you handle it?
Feel free to express your thoughts on the subject in the comments section.
